How to Plan a Funeral or Memorial for a Child, Teen, or Young Adult

Planning a funeral or memorial service for a child, teen, or young adult can feel overwhelming. Many families share that making even simple decisions can feel heavy during early grief. 

You do not have to do it alone. Taking things one step at a time and accepting help can make the process more manageable. 

Your care team can help you. You may want to talk with: 

• A social worker about costs, planning, locations, and where to start 
• A chaplain or spiritual leader about cultural or religious traditions 
• A child life specialist about helping siblings, creating memory items, and ways to cope 

Trusted family members and friends can also help you with decisions and support. 

Grief and decision-making

Grief affects people in different ways. Some people feel intense emotions. Others feel numb, have difficulty in focusing on tasks, or feel physically exhausted. Some people may feel energy, purpose, and focus while organizing the event. Then, they may feel a drop in energy later. How grief feels on the inside does not always match how it looks on the outside. And feelings can range from moment to moment.  

What you feel and what you are able to do may change from day to day. There is no right pace. There is no right way.

First steps 

One of the first steps is to contact a funeral home. Your care team can help you make this call or sit with you while you do. 

You may be asked to: 

• Give permission for the funeral home to care for the child’s body 
• Choose burial or cremation 
• Make early decisions about the type of service 

You can ask for time if you need it. You can also ask someone you trust to help listen, take notes, or ask questions for you. 

Purpose of a service

Families often share that a service can offer different kinds of support. A service may help:  

• Bring family and friends together 
• Honor the child’s life 
• Give a chance to share memories and express grief 
• Be a place to provide support to one another 

Some people find these gatherings helpful. Others find them hard. Sometimes, people can feel both during the same event. All of these experiences are common. 

There is no right or wrong way to plan a service. What feels right now may feel different later, and that is OK. 

Things to think about 

When planning a service, you may consider: 

• Your family’s traditions and beliefs 
• How far people need to travel to attend 
• How many people may attend 
• Your budget 
• Personal touches that honor the child 

You do not have to decide everything. Many families choose to focus on what matters most to them and let others help with the rest.

Planning details

The following steps have helped families to make planning easier. 

Ask for help

Grief can make decisions feel hard. Funeral directors, social workers, hospice staff, and spiritual leaders can guide you through the process. 

Bring a trusted person with you to meetings. They can help listen, ask questions, and support you.  

A social worker or hospice care provider can also help. You may also ask a minister or spiritual leader to help plan and lead the service. 

Focus on what matters most  

You do not have to decide on every detail. Choose what feels most important to you. Let others help with the rest. 

Take it step by step 

Some families like checklists or guides. Others prefer to focus on one small decision at a time. Either approach is OK.

Ways to remember your child

Many families look for ways to reflect on their child. 

You may choose to include: 

• Photo or memory displays 
• Talks (eulogies) by friends and family members 
• Tribute videos or slideshows 
• Special music, readings, poems, or prayers 

Some people find comfort in sharing memories or emotions. Others prefer practical tasks like organizing details or creating keepsakes. These are all valid ways of grieving. 

How to involve your child and siblings

Some families wonder whether a child should be involved in planning their own service. Many families find comfort in having their child help plan the service. This can help the child feel heard and connected. 

Whether to include your child depends on: 

• Your family’s preferences 
• The child’s age and maturity 
• The child’s health  

Talking about the service with your child in simple ways can provide hope and ease fear. It can also create time to connect and create memories. 

Your child may want to help choose: 

• Clothing: What they and others wear, such as a favorite color or style 
• Food: Favorite foods for a reception 
• Music: Songs or performances for the service or gatherings 
• Speakers: People to share stories or memories 
• Photos and special objects: Items to display on a memory table 
• Ways to be remembered: Donations, activities, or other meaningful tributes  

Siblings may choose to: 

• Pick a song 
• Hand out programs 
• Take part in a reading or activity 

Children may change their mind about being part of the planning and service. That is OK. Support them in making the choice that feels right in the moment. 

Important choices to make

• Type of service: Your family’s traditions and beliefs often help decide what kind of service to have.  
• Location: Most services take place at a place of worship, funeral home, outdoor site, or home. You may also choose to have the service at another place with special meaning. 
• Who will take part in the service: People who take part may include spiritual leaders, family members, friends, teachers, schoolmates, and team members. Depending on the space, there may be a limit on how many people can take part. 
• Private moments: You may want to have time with a small group of people. Funeral homes and churches often have special rooms reserved for family and close friends. 
• Date and time: There is no set time frame to have a service. You can choose what is best for you. Some spiritual practices require the service to take place within a certain period. Also, you might consider whether people need time to travel to an out-of-town service. 
• Telling friends and family: Many people learn about services through an obituary on a funeral home website. You may want to assign a trusted point person to share information through social media, texts, or phone calls. 
• Caring for other children: You may want to choose a babysitter or family member to care for children during the service. Some places of worship may offer childcare. If possible, have a children’s room on site where adults can take children who need a break. This is also a good place for a memory-making activity. You may choose to assign a close friend or family member to each sibling. They can step away with the child if they need time alone. 
• Recording the service: If the family wants to, you may have a videographer record the service. Your distress can make it hard to remember the day. 

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