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Differences in Grieving Styles

What is grief?

Grief is how people respond when someone they love dies. It affects emotions and thoughts. It also affects the body.

After a child comes to the end of their life, grief can feel intense and overwhelming. Many families share feelings such as deep sadness, helplessness, guilt, and anger. These feelings may change over time, but grief often remains part of a person’s life. 

Many things affect how people grieve. These include: 

  • Life experiences 
  • Communication styles 
  • Personality 
  • Support systems 
  • Past experiences with grief 
  • Cultural backgrounds 

Different ways people grieve

People show grief in different ways. Some cope by staying busy or focusing on practical tasks. This is action-focused grief. Others cope by talking about their feelings and expressing emotions. This is feelings-focused grief. These styles are not related to gender.  

Many people notice that they lean toward one style of grieving, but most move between styles over time. Neither is better or healthier than the other. 

There is no single or “right” way to grieve.  

Action-focused grief

Action-focused grief is when a person copes by doing things. Other families have shared that this kind of grieving can feel grounding, especially early on. 

They may choose to:  

  • Take care of daily needs: Manage finances, plan the service, or do household tasks 
  • Stay busy with work: Work more to support the family or keep a routine 
  • Spend time with others through activities: Connect by doing activities together rather than by talking with others 
  • Think and process alone: Spend quiet time reflecting or looking up information about what comes next  

During grief, action-focused grievers may be more likely to: 

  • Feel pressure to stay strong: Take responsibility for others 
  • Have thoughts about “what if”: Wonder if they could have prevented the death 
  • Feel a sense of failure: Think they should have been able to protect their loved one.  
  • Want to move forward out of grief: Avoid thinking about or expressing pain  
  • Have physical symptoms: Have headaches, fatigue, and low energy  

Feelings-focused grief

Feelings-focused grief is when a person copes by expressing emotions. Families often say this helps them feel less alone. 

They may: 

  • Talk about their grief: Share thoughts and feelings with friends or family  
  • Seek support: Reach out to loved ones or support groups 
  • Build connections: Spend time with others who understand their grief 
  • Express grief through writing: Write in a journal, write letters, or try other forms of expression. Some people also use online tools to help organize their thoughts. Choose what feels right. 

During grief, feelings-focused grievers may be more likely to: 

  • Feel strong emotions such as sadness, anxiety, or overwhelm 
  • Feel tired or low on energy 
  • Feel alone at times, especially if others have trouble talking about grief with them 

Strong feelings do not mean something is wrong. They are one way the body and mind respond to loss. 

Grief support

Grief support is the care, connection, and understanding people receive after someone dies. It can come from family, friends, community members, or professionals. 

Other families have shared that it can help to: 

  • Choose support that fits your energy level that day. 
  • Give yourself permission to say yes or no to gatherings. 
  • Rest when sleep is disrupted or when emotions feel heavy. 
  • Connect with people who understand your experience. 

If grief begins to feel unmanageable or isolating, many families find it helpful to talk with a counselor, social worker, or grief specialist. 

Tips for families

Some families have found these ideas helpful as they grieve together: 

  • Remembering there is no single timeline for grief 
  • Listening without trying to fix or change each other  
  • Allowing each person to grieve in their own way 
  • Acknowledging and accepting each person 
  • Not expecting one single person to provide all the support that another person needs 

Grief is a lifelong journey. Needs change as a person’s grief changes. 

Resources are available to help with grief. Some caregivers have found it helpful to: 

  • Read books by authors with a similar grief perspective.  
  • Join a support group.  
  • Seek professional help from a counselor or social worker. 

When talking with a partner or loved one, families have found it helpful to:  

  • Set aside time to talk about their feelings without distractions.  
  • Respect each person’s coping style.  
  • Avoid making assumptions about how someone else is grieving. 

Key points about difference in grieving

  • Everyone grieves differently. 
  • Action-focused grievers are less likely to talk about grief or reach out to others for support. They are more likely to focus on tasks and work. 
  • Feelings-focused grievers are more likely to work through grief by talking and reaching out to others. 
  • Both action‑focused and feelings‑focused grieving are common and expected. 
  • There are many resources to help people who are grieving. 
  • It is important that families find ways to connect and express their grief. 
  • There is no 1 way to respond to a loved one’s death. 
  • Some people find it helpful to get support from a professional counselor, social worker, or other care team member. 

Find more information

—
Reviewed: June 2026

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