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How to Write a Condolence Message

A condolence message can show support and caring to a family who is grieving.

A message of support, often called a condolence message, can show care and compassion for someone who is grieving.

It can be hard to know what to write. After the death of a child, many people want to show support but worry about saying the wrong thing. You do not need perfect words. A short, sincere message can mean a lot.

A condolence message can be sent as a:

  • Private comment on social media
  • Letter
  • Email
  • Card
  • Text
  • Tribute on an obituary page

Families may reread messages as a source of comfort. They can learn stories about their child and deepen ties with friends.

If you post on social media, keep your message brief and kind. Avoid sharing details about the death unless the family has shared them first.

Tips for writing a condolence message

Short, sincere messages are often best.

When writing a condolence message:

  • Keep your message simple.
  • Be honest and sincere.
  • It is OK to say that words are hard to find.
  • Use the child’s name, if you know it.
  • Share memories and make a personal connection.
  • Avoid giving advice or trying to explain why something happened.
  • Only include faith or spiritual language if you are sure it fits the family and your relationship.

What to say in a condolence message

It can help to break a condolence message into 3 parts:

  • Opening
  • Middle
  • Closing

Opening

Start with a greeting.

  • When writing to parents or caregivers, you can include siblings or other close family members if you know their names.
    • “Dear Kevin, Alice, Katie, and Jim,”
    • “To Jennifer, Bob, and Joanne,”
  • Start by gently recognizing the death and sharing how you feel.
    • “We were so sad to learn...”
    • “My heart is with your family.” 
  • If you can, use the child’s name and share how you knew them.
    • “Aiden was in theater at school with my daughter, Sophia.”
    • "It was a joy to have Luke in my third-grade class.”

Middle

The main part of the message should make a personal connection.

  • Use names when referring to family members as well as the child who died.
  • Share how the child or family affected you or your family.
    • “We still laugh about how much Jonathan loved our cookies. We think of him each time we bake them.”
    • “We still have the ball Ava would throw for our dog. We think of Ava each time we play in the yard.”
  • Name special characteristics or qualities of the child and their family.
    • “Sarah was such a talented writer. I was always amazed by her poetry. She had a gift for words.”
  • If possible, offer 1 or 2 specific memories.
    • “John and our boys could get into some trouble together. I will never forget the frog prank. That mischievous grin of John’s still makes me smile.”

Closing

The closing is where you can offer support if you are able to. If you do not know what to suggest or cannot do something that was asked, offer an expression of care. It can be comforting.

If you can offer support, be specific:

  • “We have signed up to bring you a meal and will drop it off next Tuesday around 6 p.m.. We will not expect to visit unless you want company.”
  • “We can pick up Emily for school for the next several Wednesdays.”

If you cannot offer a specific service, share a message of care and support:

  • “You and your family will be in our thoughts.”
  • “Your child will always be remembered.”

You can also offer choices, which allow families to keep in control during a hard time:

  • “Would you prefer a text, a call, or quiet check‑ins?”
  • “If you want company, I can visit. If not, I understand. I will check back next week.”

Close with words that offer connection. Remind the family that they have your  support.

Sample closings include:

  • “I hope you feel supported in this difficult time”
  • “With love always” (If close to the family)
  • “I will call you Tuesday, and it’s OK not to answer” 
  • “With care”
  • “I can't know what you're feeling, but I'm okay to listen if you want to talk.”

Only offer prayers or services if you can follow through, and you know the family would be open to them.

What to avoid in a condolence message

Many families have shared that certain phrases can be hurtful, even when meant kindly. It can help to avoid:

  • “Everything happens for a reason”
  • “They’re in a better place”
  • “At least you have other children”
  • “I know exactly how you feel”
  • Advice about what the family should do or how they should grieve
  • Words that suggest a timeline for grief

Simple and honest messages are often best:

  • “It’s awful that you’re going through this”
  • “I’m here for you”
  • “Your child matters. They will be remembered.”

Sample messages

Below are samples of messages. These may serve as a guide for you.

  1. As a friend of the family who knew the child

    Dear Maria, Eric, Violet, and Justin,

    Please know how much you are in our hearts and thoughts always. Robert brought light into our lives just as he did for everyone who knew him. We’ll never forget how, as a toddler, he refused to wear shoes and insisted on going barefoot everywhere, including church!

    Maria and Eric, you always showed him how much he was loved. Violet and Justin, you shared your passion for music and books with him, both of which brought out his energy and curiosity. He kept us all on our toes. We will always remember Robert with love and joy.

    We will call or text to see when you are ready for company. We will bring dinner and a movie.

    With our love always,

    Olivia, Brice, Lillian, and Brody

  2. As someone who knew the parents but did not know the child

    Dear Kathy and David,

    We were so sad to learn of Stephen’s death. I did not know him, but I know how much he was loved. The sense of humor that both of you have shared with the world must have given Stephen many happy moments.

    We will be in Chicago in May. We will reach out then to see if it is a good time to visit with you. Until then, please know that Tom and I have you in our thoughts and prayers.

    Love,

    Kristen

  3. As someone who knew the child but is not a close friend of the family

    Dear Lucas, Katherine, and Liam,

    My daughter, Carly, was in gymnastics with Emma. I wanted to share how sad we are to learn that Emma died.

    We always knew Emma as spunky and hardworking. She kept trying, even when the routine was hard. She always had a kind and supportive word for everyone in the gym.

    Carly shared that Emma spoke often about you and the ways you supported her as the youngest sibling. You must be a special family to have raised a child as wonderful as Emma.

    Please know you are in our thoughts and the thoughts of the entire gymnastics community.

    With love,

    Susie Mitchell

  4. As a colleague

    Dear Thomas,

    I am sorry to hear that Anna died. While I did not know Anna, I was touched to read in the obituary how much she loved baseball and how much you enjoyed going to games together. I hope those special memories can be a small comfort.

    With deepest sympathy,

    David Simpson

  5. Short text message

    “Thinking of you and remembering Maya. If you want to talk, I’m here to listen.”

  6. Short social media message

    “Sending love and care. Remembering Sam and his adorable dimples.”

Keep in touch with the family

Grief does not follow a timeline. Support often matters long after the first messages have stopped. Staying connected helps families know that they and their children are not forgotten.

Reach out to the family on important dates, such as holidays, the child’s birthday or the anniversary of the death. You may want to set a reminder on your phone, watch, or calendar to follow up with the family.

Some families welcome messages on these days. Others prefer quiet support. If you are unsure, you can ask them what they would prefer.

You can also check in with someone close to the family to learn what kind of support may be most useful.

Key points about how to write a condolence message

  • A condolence message shows care and connection for the person who is grieving.
  • Short, simple, and sincere messages are often the most meaningful.
  • Use the child’s name and share memories to make your message personal.
  • Be honest and gentle. Avoid giving advice or saying things that may be heard as advice or clichés.
  • You can structure your message in 3 parts: opening, middle, and closing.
  • Offer support if you can. Be specific about how you can offer.

—
Reviewed: June 2026

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