How to Help a Family After the Death of a Child

The death of a child is one of the hardest things a family can face. As a friend or family member, you may want to help loved ones. But you feel unsure about what to say or do.  

Grief is how people respond when someone they love dies. It is personal. It is shaped by the relationship each person had with the child who died. These people include parents, siblings, grandparents, caregivers, and other loved ones.  

Grief can affect emotions, thoughts, bodies, and relationships. Grief may change over time. 

Everyone grieves differently. Family members’ needs change. What feels helpful one day may feel different the next. 

Be present for the family 

Be ready to listen

Families often need someone to listen to them without being corrected or “fixed.” Grief is not something to solve, and listening without judgment can help people feel understood. It is OK to say: 

• “This must be so hard.”  
• “I’m happy to listen, if you would like to talk.” 
• “I’m here with you.” 
• “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.” 

Try not to give advice unless you are asked.  

Remember the child

Families want to know that their child’s life continues to hold meaning for others. It is comforting for them to know that their child is remembered. You can: 

• Say the child’s name. 
• Share specific memories, traits, or stories.  
• Encourage the family member to tell you a story about their child or to share a favorite memory. Ask, “What is one of your favorite memories?” or, “What always makes you smile when you think about them?” 

Accept all responses to grief

Grief looks different for everyone. It is OK to cry, be angry, feel numb, or feel many things at once. Grief lasts a long time. It may come and go in waves.  

Some people grieve by talking and expressing emotions. Others grieve by staying busy, focusing on tasks, or taking action. Many people move between these ways of grieving over time. 

Not everyone who is grieving looks sad. Some focus on activities and work while others express their feelings. You can offer support by: 

• Giving people permission to grieve in their own ways and at their own pace 
• Understanding that grief is personal and feelings can change quickly 
• Letting people show their emotions without judgment 
• Avoiding timelines, such as, “You should be healing by now.” 

Offer specific help

General or vague offers are hard to respond to. Grief can make a person’s  decision‑making and energy feel limited. 

Be specific and clear in offers of help. Instead of, “Let me know if there is anything I can do,” offer to: 

• Do household chores, such as laundry, cleaning the house, or taking care of the yard. 
• Take siblings to the park or to dinner. 
• Help children with homework. 
• Bring dinner on a specific night. 
• Ask them what their favorite restaurant is, and have food delivered from that restaurant.  
• Give weekly help, such as picking children up from school. 

When you offer help, be sure to follow through. Set a reminder on your phone so that you do not forget.  

Honor meaningful dates

In the months and years after a child’s death, certain days may be harder for families. These include holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and other special days in the child’s life.  

Keep track of meaningful dates and offer support on those dates. You can: 

• Send a text saying, “I am thinking of you today.”  
• Offer to bring food. 
• Help with a specific task.  
• Check in after the date passes.  

Some families may accept help. Some families may not. Both are OK, and needs can change from year to year. 

Support siblings

Siblings whose brother or sister has died may have a range of emotions. Reactions may include: 

• Anger 
• Guilt 
• Fear 
• Loneliness 

Being a steady, caring presence can help siblings feel less alone. But some siblings may need a professional counselor.  

You can support siblings by: 

• Being there to listen 
• Helping them keep their regular routines with school, sports, and social activities 
• Inviting them to special outings such as the movies or a sporting event 
• Understanding that grief lasts a long time  

A note on ongoing grief

Grieving families need continued support. For families, grief does not end. Many families describe grief as something they learn to carry as their relationship with their child continues to matter.  

Commit to being there with them. Your presence can help families feel less alone.  

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