Tips for Couples When a Child Is Sick
Keeping your relationship strong while your child is in treatment helps both you and your child.
Caring for a sick child demands our best efforts. Self-care is important for caregivers of children with serious illness. It allows you to be the best version of yourself for your kids.
Your relationship with your partner can be a great way to help you be your best self. Social Work and Psychosocial Services at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital have spent time with couples to find out how they make their relationships work when their child is going through treatment. Through talking with these couples, they have gathered important tips on relationship health during trying times.
As a result, the team has created the Relationship Toolkit in collaboration with families. This free, downloadable booklet offers activities and ideas that you can use right away. Even if you and your partner are miles apart, the booklet can serve as a vital tool to reflect on ways to communicate and take the time to make your bond even better.
To have and to hold
The experience of “having and holding” someone can be one of the most beautiful parts of life. In healthy relationships, we feel supported and brave. We enjoy laughter, comfort, intimacy, and joy. A healthy relationship increases our ability to take on challenges, knowing that we are not alone. We can enjoy and embrace all that is best in us.
Having a child in treatment can put an enormous strain on relationships. Although you know that relationship health matters, it can feel daunting or unrealistic to prioritize your partner while your child is sick. You may encounter new challenges in your relationship, or you may run out of energy to work on it. You may want to invest but do not know where to begin.
One caregiver told us, “We wish we would have checked on each other like we did on our child.”
The Relationship Toolkit provides the resources to do that.
What’s in the toolkit
We developed this toolkit through many conversations with caregivers and extensive research on relationship health. We hope that the toolkit helps strengthen and maintain your relationship during and after treatment. You and your partner can come back to the toolkit at any time to work on the activities and start new conversations.
Even if you and your partner are miles apart, the booklet can serve as a vital tool to reflect on ways to communicate and take the time to make your bond even better.
Having a child with pediatric cancer does not increase the likelihood of divorce or separation. Many partners feel closer to one another after going through an illness journey together. In the toolkit, you will find tips, quotes, tools, and activities to refresh and strengthen your bond.
This resource includes tips such as:
- When telling your partner something, let them know beforehand whether you just want them to listen or whether you need help figuring something out.
- You can learn to see your differences as strengths, and you can find out how to reflect on your strengths as a couple.
- You can use the 5 Love Languages® to support your partner. Think about whether your and your partner’s love language is:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Physical touch
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of service
- It is important to reflect on how you and your partner cope in the hardest moments, and how you react in the joyful moments.
A toolkit for everyone
The Relationship Toolkit can benefit anyone, regardless of diagnosis, at any point during the treatment journey. The toolkit’s main intention is for romantic partners of all kinds who are going through pediatric cancer or a serious childhood illness together. But the toolkit can be just as effective if you work through it by yourself.
There are many correct ways to use the toolkit. Skip around, read it all, complete it little by little, complete only a tiny part of it—whatever suits your situation best.
If you find that you need support when going through the toolkit, contact your social worker, chaplain, or other care team member who can help.
Use this outline for an overview of the toolkit and recommendations on where to begin:
- Chapter 1—Acknowledging Differences, Finding Strengths: This brief section comes in handy at the beginning of treatment.
- Chapter 2—Offering Support and Maintaining Connection: This chapter uses the idea of the 5 Love Languages® from Gary Chapman. It includes many examples from caregivers.
- Chapter 3—Understanding Each Other’s Experience: This section includes many questions for reflection. It may require some time and space to think.
- Chapter 4—Communicating Effectively Along the Journey: This chapter is useful at any time, but it is particularly helpful before major events or decisions. It offers caregiver quotes and communication tips for checking in on your partner.
- Addendum—Love Language Ideas from Couples: This section offers more extensive examples from caregivers. It also gives ideas for practicing the love languages during treatment.
Your relationship is worth it
An investment in your relationship with your partner is an investment in the health of your child. We hope that you will give yourself the same grace you give to your child as they continue to do the hard work of fighting illness during treatment.
Your journey to stay connected with your partner will involve good days and bad, mistakes and successes, fumbles and celebrations. In the end, as the Gottman Institute for couples tells us, it’s the small things that we do every day that make the biggest difference in our relationships.
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The Together by St. Jude™ online resource does not endorse any branded product or organization mentioned in this article.
